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How can this be true? How can you influence someone by merely listening to them?

Most people believe that influencing others necessitates persuading, asserting, cajoling, bribing or setting an example. These are all styles of influencing. So is listening. Not just garden variety listening but very attentive listening.

If you listen with the motive of understanding rather than opposing or looking for flaws in an argument, you will encourage people to be open about their motivation. As they explore their data, argument or motivation they will be able to hear themselves. If they are resisted they are more likely to push back without this reflection.

I remember a situation where I arrived late at night at a hotel where I had a prior booking. I had travelled interstate and was tired. The receptionist told me that there were no rooms but that they had booked me a room at another hotel and would arrange a cab to take me there. My options were to push back and refuse to move or explore options by listening and enquiring. I asked what had happened to my booking and was told that there had been a mix up with room bookings. I asked if there were any rooms vacant and was told that there weren’t any. I summarized what I had been told as a final attempt to get a room. ‘So you are saying that you have made a mistake in booking two people into the same room, that you have no more rooms and that you are asking me to move although I have a written confirmation.' I then asked the receptionist to get the manager. I had explored the limits of the authority of the receptionist. When the manager arrived I changed my tack and said I wanted the room that I had booked and showed him the written confirmation. He found me another room.

Somehow they found another room and all I had done was listen and ask questions apart from the final request that they honour a written agreement.

There really is power in listening with curiosity and listening to what is not being said. It also helps to confirm your understanding by paraphrasing what is said. ‘So you are saying that even though I have a confirmed booking, you still can’t find me a room?’

Try using Listening as an influencing tool. Even if it doesn’t work on its own, you will be better informed as to how you can influence others once you know the background or motivation. Really attentive listening will also help you to remain calm and rational instead of reacting.

I was once asked by a bank teller if I wanted a housing loan at the end of a simple transaction. I simply said ‘you want to know if I am interested to sign up for a housing loan today’.

We both laughed. It did seem silly to be asking me such a question without any indication that I was ready for such a major decision.

Let me know if you have any success at using listening as a tool for influencing others.

Paddy Spruce 03 9808 8990 Email – paddy@paddyspruce.com.au www. Paddyspruce.com.au