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I recently heard a radio interview where a member of a minority group responded aggressively to the comment that minorities must be tolerated.

Tolerate is just OK. It sounds like you need to brace yourself so that you don’t interrupt or walk out. You tolerate people and opinions when you don’t agree but make an effort to control your opposition. You scarcely listen but bite your tongue. Your opinion won’t change but you didn’t start an argument. Sounds like a bare minimum of effort.

Allow comes with a whiff of compassion and composure. Let the person have a different opinion. Let them articulate their views even if they are different to yours. You don’t need to tighten your muscles but you give them permission to have a different point of view and you allow them to express it in your presence. Sounds a little patronizing and superior, doesn’t it? As if you were listening to someone less informed than yourself. Allow them to be misguided or wrong. This is one step better than tolerate. You are less threatened by a view different from your own. You are almost open to having your opinion influenced by another.

Encouraging another to express a view that is different to your own is a further step to being open to the world of others. There is a flavor of being open to changing your own views. Paradoxically, by being so open, you increase your chances of influencing the other and being influenced by the other. If you are firm in your belief or views, then you can afford to be so open and actively encourage people to express a range of views, even those that are alien to you and your values. Of course there are people who have opinions that are the exact opposite to yours. Any opinion we hold will be opposed by others.

If we develop the ability to encourage others to speak, we are better able to accept feedback on our behaviour. Imagine asking others how your behaviour affects them and encouraging them to be frank.

Tolerate is first base. Just stay silent while they speak and keep your opposing thoughts to yourself.

Allow is second base. Accept in principle that they are entitled to their opinion and let them express it. Don’t help but don’t hinder.

Encourage is third base. Help them to express their view. It will help you to know what they think. You can use the information to improve yourself or not. You can make it easier by asking questions and confirming their answers. You handle their opinions as opinions not a personal attack on everything you stand for. You open yourself up to being influenced and you allow the other to hear their opinions out loud which may cause them to be influenced by hearing their own thoughts. Haven’t you ever started to express some thoughts and wondered about continuing because they didn’t make sense to you? You probably got them from someone else... long ago. They evaporate or become stronger in the light of day.

So try this... in the next week, ask for opinions from others and practise encouraging the person to keep speaking. Make it easy for them to speak. Ask them to be specific ‘What exactly do think I should do to improve my listening skills?’ ‘How do you think I can improve my attitude?’.’How can we work more closely together?’ Breathe deeply, listen without bracing, ask questions and confirm your understanding.

What have you got to lose? You will improve your ability to influence others and get some valuable feedback. It will be your choice to act on the feedback. You will find out what people think about you and your behaviour. They have been thinking it all along. You might even have suspected that they were thinking it. You now have confirmation of what already existed and can take action if you choose to do so.

Remember – tolerate, allow and encourage. Tolerate is tight. Allow is more relaxed by a superior position. Encourage is at peace with yourself and on a mission to understand others and how you affect them with an aim to building stronger relationships.

If you want to learn more about influencing and building strong relationships or would like to purchase my CDs on Influencing and Corridor negotiations, visit my website at http://www.paddyspruce.com.au/products.html

Do you want to make money as a part time or full time professional speaker?

If you do, there is an exciting workshop called ‘Moving from free to fee’ on Saturday 20th October to be held in Melbourne. You will discover exactly what you need to do to become a paid professional speaker. Maybe because of your occupation, hobby or interest, you are asked to speak in public. If you are ready to move to the next level and be paid to speak, this is an important workshop for you. Winston Marsh and I will conduct the workshop and show you how to make a good living from professional speaking. We are both founding members of the National Speakers Association in Victoria and have been in the business for over twenty years.

For further information, call Lauris Marsh on 0419 338 034 or email Lauris on lauris@bgrowth.com.au